I Am Successful!

Yesterday I decided to try something good for me. I decided to NOT have any sugary sweets/treats/desserts at all. I even passed up the huge sugary birthday cake at work!!!! Now that alone is amazing since it's my favorite!

I told Pete when he picked me up from work that today (yesterday) was the first day of me quitting smoking sugar. He looked at me before he "got it". 5 Years ago, I quit smoking cigarettes and since then I have become addicted to sugar... so now, I opt to quit sugar!

We grabbed dinner last night and I took my cup; filled it with ice and filled it with Rootbeer before realizing what I was doing and that it was loaded with sugar. Pete took the Rootbeer for me so I could have the unsweetened iced tea. Rootbeer is also his beverage of choice, thank goodness!

I am on Day 2 of no sugar!!! Go Me! I'd like to lose about 10 lbs before surgery, now that I'm approved and don't have to worry about not weighing enough.

One fear I have, which I guess is silly is that I'll be alone at the hospital most of the time. I don't do well alone at all. I'm sure the first day I'll be asleep most of the time and Pete will be there with me all day Tuesday but he'll be working Wednesday & Thursday while I'm there.

He's actually leaving to go to OC for the weekend to work. Where is the justice in that??

My Date

My date: October 7th. GBMC

After changing surgeons and finding a new psych... I'm good to go! This psych said she couldn't find anything wrong with me. Go figure. From one extreme to the other.

I'm much more comfortable with this surgeon; knowing someone who had surgery from him helps tremendously. I also really liked the informational powerpoint first meeting.Once I saw the new psych, paid the fee to the Dr. and it was submitted to the insurance company, I waited anxiously for an approval.

I received a letter in the mail that said they were awaiting other information and listed what was missing. I called the Surgeon's office and they resubmitted the paperwork and I was approved immediately!

I'm psyched!!!

Because of all of this, I've had a lot on my mind for the couple of months. Some days it's been hard to be pleasant. I want to reach out for support from friends and family but it's been too difficult. I feel as though no one understands what I'm going through, and really doesn't care since it was my decision.

It is definitely one the hardest decisions I have made. The prep work was the easy part, since I like staying busy.

So why did I make this decision?

1. A flight of steps kills me. My legs hurt and I'm out of breath.
2. My asthma isn't getting any better even with the medication I'm on
3. My feet swell up and look like balloons by the end of my work day. I cannot wear socks or shoes that cover my feet. If I slip off my sandals/slides at work I cannot get them back on in the evening.
4. I have sleep apnea, not severely, but I'm hoping that I will stop snoring since I haven't always done it.
5. I have Type II Diabetes that is untreated due to my decision of not treating it. I should be controlling it by diet but I'm just not.
6. I can't exercise, because I can't breath (See 2.)
7. I want to feel normal, sexy, pretty. I remember when I did.
8. I gave up wearing sunglasses, because of the indents it puts on my face that stays up to 2 hours.

Denied by the Psychiatrist!

Denied by the Psychiatrist!

Feeling down. Just read the psychiatric evaluation, the final things I was waiting on and she apparently doesn't feel that I'm ready for this surgery. Says I suffer from anxiety and depression. Anxiety I can agree with, but I certainly don't agree with the depression part. I told her I was suprised since I don't feel depressed.She seems to think (according to her report) that I SHOULD have depression since I never received any formal treatment for the sexual abuse I received as a child or the fact that I lost a child.

Tough times in my life that have made me stronger and who I am today. Should I suffer from depression due to these issues? Whether I receive "treatment" or not, I can't change the fact that they happened. I can only allow it to make or break me. I'm not broken yet. Don't get me wrong, it took me a long time to get over each. In reality, you never get over them, but you put them in a place that will make you stronger as a person, more compassionate to others. Life's experience has made me who I am. Therapy can't change that. I like myself, enjoy myself quite a bit in healthy ways. Still not seeing the "depression" part and quite MIFFED about it!

To Gain or Not to Gain.... that is the question

I just returned from a wonderful extended weekend of camping and am now concered about my weight. I have an upcoming appointment at the surgeon's office and to see the nutrionist. Did I gain weight? More than those 3 lbs. I lost? I surely feel like it. I'm nervous as hell. I did go and get my pre-surgery psych-evaluation. I was surprised by the length of the pen & paper testing. Then I met with the Dr. for about 45 minutes and she asked me why I wanted to have the surgery and what I was hoping to gain from it.. how long I've been overweight etc.

She said I shouldn't have any problems getting approval from the insurance company, but with all the upbeat positive responses I'm getting from her, my own PCP and my surgeon, it only makes me worry more about getting my hopes up and having the rug ripped out from under me with a big fat NO from the insurance company. Only time will tell, and I'm anticipating my answer mid to late June.

I've also been contemplating which surgery is right for me. My PCP seems to think the gastric bypass is the one that would benefit my health and me, but I've also been thinking about the LapBand.

I'm really scared right now, even though I know I don't need to be.... since I don't even have a surgery date OR approval. We'll see what happens in the next few weeks. I have my last pre-approval test this week. It's the Echocardiogram.

Wish me luck!

2nd Appointment

Yesterday I went to see the nutrionist as the surgeon's office. I lost 3 lbs last month. Normally this would have been a great thing. However, I am borderline about being able to get the surgery done. You must be at least 100 lbs over weight. I am. I also have a few factors that help in the determination of the surgery by doctors as well as the insurance company. I have diabetes and sleep apnea.

My nutrionist didn't come right out and say it, but I felt like she hinted that I need to put the weight back on (maybe call it a scale error? bloating? other health issues?).

I'm now worried that I'll go through all of the processes that lead up to approval only to be declined. Then what? Gain another 20 lbs so I can get approval? BLECH! I can't do that. I won't purposely do that. I want this surgery so that my health problems will clear up some, not to contribute to poor health or create more.

This may sound yucky, but I am looking forward to the "dumping syndrome" of not being able to eat sugar after the surgery. I certainly don't want to go through the dumping syndrome I've been reading about, but I know it's inevitable at least once or twice. I am a sugar junkie. Cakes, cookies, ice cream, pb&j when none of the former items are around. The Dumping Syndrome makes sugar "expel" from your body... violently. Who wants to go through that more than once or twice? Afterall, it doesn't take a brick shithouse to fall on me... or does it? ROFL!

I've found a few books that I really want to read.
Weight Loss Surgery: A Lighter Look at a Heavy Subject by Terry Simpson, M.D. seems to be the most important one to me right now. I looked at it on Amazon.com

Learning more as time goes on.

My thoughts initially were to have this surgery in late August. I had planned to go to "Floating World" in early August, as well as the fact that my 6 months of probation at work will be up. Also, my daughter's 21st birthday is at the end of July and she wanted me to go out drinking with her. After the surgery, I won't be able to have any alcohol for a year.

I've given this a lot of consideration and I just want to get this done and over with. I know it will be a life-time of change but I'm ready to begin. My boss knows that most likely I'll be going out for surgery, though he doesn't know why.

I'm not sure I want anyone at work to know about it before it happens. I have a feeling I won't say anything. Let them think it's a gallbladder or something, until of course it becomes clear to them by the change in my body. I don't think I need to divulge my upcoming surgery with them. It really is none of their business. Afterall, it's not like I have any close friendships at work; I haven't been here long enough to develop them.

I did get some insight yesterday regarding some of the things I'll be able to eat during Phase 3 after surgery and I was hopeful! I'll be able to eat things like tuna/chicken/egg/turkey salad as well as refried beans with cheese.

I went out looking at some of the different protein shakes last night. I need to explore this more and start trying them out to find ones that I can tolerate. I found a website for liquid vitamins since I won't be able to swallow pills after the surgery. Seems this website promised a lot, so I'll show the advert to my surgeon and ask his opinion. It would be nice to be able to get all of my vitamins at once, other than the calcium which I'll have to take several hours later so they don't cancel each other out.

Upcoming Appointments and Life in General

I've had a lot going on both with regards to the pending gastric bypass and other aspects of my life. I recently started a new job (and still on probation), I just put my house on the market this weekend, my daughter moved back home from out-of-state on Friday and I'm starting college/computer classes.

I've tried to cut down on what I eat, but I cannot seem to make healthy choices. I like food. No, I LOVE food. This weekend, with promises (to myself) of not going out to eat, since weekends are the only time I can cook, we went out for Chinese on Friday, Seafood on Saturday, and Italian on Sunday. I need HELP!!!!

I used to really enjoy cooking. I probably still do. I just feel rushed, and exhausted. We have spent the last 4 weekends packing and taking things to storage. I like the way the house is coming along in regards to it having less and less in it. I almost want it to stay like this all the time, but what about all my "stuff"? I obviously have it for a reason.

With my daughter home now, I may ask her to cook dinner twice a week during the week to make our life easier.

I have all of my appointments scheduled for the surgery. I cannot believe how many there are!

1. Sleep Study
2. Fasting Blood Work
3. Psychiatrist
4. Chest X-Ray
5. Upper GI Series
6. Arterial Blood Gas
7. Pulmonary Function Test
8. Echocardiogram
9. Nutrionist
10. Dietary Group Meeting

Steps leading up to my decision to have this procedure done.

1. 100 lbs overweight
2. BMI=40
3. Asthma
4. Severe knee pain, especially when walking up or down stairs/squatting, sitting for extended periods of time.
5. Recent diagnosis of Diabetes
6. Recent diagnosis of Sleep Apnea. I stop breathing on average of 240 times every hour.
7. I want to be healthy- to be able to breathe- to be able to walk- to feel rested after 8 hours of sleep- I want to live past 50.

Naked Ambition 04/22/2008

Today... is the first day of the rest of my life. I vow to live life to the fullest while working towards my goal of healthy living, body and mind. Welcome to my Naked Ambition!